Dramatis Personae
Natalya Petropav
Constable Smith
Charles Best
Judge Lestat
Narrator / Hockeyman / Sir Bedeviere

Narrator: Previously, on As the Tofu Turns: Mister Snodbridge falls into a (pause) COMA when he is mysteriously poisoned after eating tofu from an unknown street vendor.  Lydia, losing her keys, runs, sobbing, to find a metal detector.  Billy overcooks his TV Dinner and is forced to endure extremely hot pasta.  Will Wilhelm get home from work in time to watch his favourite game show?  Will Edith buy whole wheat bread or white bread?  Find out on today’s episode: the third part of the conclusion to last week’s four-part epic conclusion to last month’s shocking seventeen-part episode.

Natalya Petropav:  Hello, operator?  Get me Constable Smith.
Constable Smith: Hello?
Natalya: I know who poisoned...Mr. Snodbridge!
Smith: You do?
Natalya: Yes, I do.  It was...HIM!
Smith: You mean...HIM?
Natalya: Yes...HIM.
Charles Best: You mean, ME? (Runs off stage.  All characters come on stage and pose)
Narrator:  As the Tofu Turns, starring...Edwina Jones as Natalya Petropav,  Eddy Jones as Constable Smith,  Edgar Jones as Judge Lestat, and Edward Jones as Charles Best.
(Characters return to original positions)
Smith: I’ll be right over.
(They walk sideways to meet each other, turn heads to face each other at same time)
Natalya: Oh Constable, what ever shall we do?  I’m so frightened!  He was just walking past my window and...oh, I’m sure it was him!  He’s Charles Best... he owns a tofu stand.  He must have poisoned Mr. Snodbridge to get revenge on Mr. Snodbridge’s Public Relations Official, distantly related to Mr. Snodbridge by hair transplant, who blinked as he passed Mr. Best’s tofu stand six years ago... I saw it myself...why, it’s almost as though it happened yesterday.
Smith: That seems like just the reason to poison Mr. Snodbridge to place him into a...COMA.  No doubt Mr. Best has been planning his revenge for years...carefully planning the cooking time and elasticity of the bean curd...slowly but surely frying the tofu and searing it in some poisonous oil...that monster!  This is no ordinary case...This is big.  I think I’d better call an... emergency court session!

Natalya: GASP, oh my, don’t you think that’s...risky?
Smith: I can handle this.
Hockeyman: Muahahahaha! (walks across stage)
Natalya: Who was that?
Smith: I don’t know.  Let’s get moving, the show is moving slowly today.
Natalya: Right, anything you say Constable!
(They move off stage.  Chairs are set up for court scene. Best is seated next to an empty chair opposite Natalya and Smith seated to Judge’s right.)
Smith: All rise for the honourable Judge Lestat!
Hockeyman: (Offstage) I...am...HOCKEYMAN!
Judge: Ahem...Please be seated.  Ladies and Gentlemen, this court session has been called to determine whether or not Charles Best is responsible for placing Mr. Snodbridge into...a COMA, as accused by Miss Natalya Petropav.  Now you, the honourable jury, must act without bias.  This trial must be as fair as possible, so don’t take any particular side.  Please note, however, that Charles Best is guilty and that whatever he has to say isn’t worth listening to, so whenever he speaks you must plug your ears.  Anyone refusing to do so will be arrested and charged a five hundred dollar fine.  Due to the lack of lawyers in Linseed County, Constable Smith will act as both defence and prosecution.
Smith: Oh no...what to do?  By law I am required to act as lawyer to both sides, but how can I do this?  I’m torn between helping Natalya, whom I was married to for three years, and Charles, my long-lost third cousin twice removed!  How can this be?  Why did this have to happen to me?  Oh, woe is me, woe is me...
Judge: Constable!  Get a grip on yourself and sit down!  This is a court of law, not some cheesy soap opera!
Constable Smith: Yes sir.
Judge: The prosecution may now call its first witness.
Smith:  The prosecution calls Charles Best to the stand.
(Charles Best comes up to stand)
Mister Best, where were you on the night of the thirty-fifth?
Best: Why, I was at home after working at my tofu stand.
Smith: Ah-ha!  That clearly proves that he couldn’t have poisoned Mr. Snodbridge...oh wait, which side am I on right now?
Judge: The prosecution’s side, Constable.
Smith: Right...Ah-ha! That clearly proves that he must have poisoned Mr. Snodbridge!
Best:  You don’t have any proof of that!  Where’s your evidence?
Smith: The very fact that you deny it proves your guilt!
Best: So if I admit to doing it, does that mean that I’m innocent?
Smith: Of course!
Best: Well, then, I did it.
Smith: There you see it, your honour...he admitted to it!
Best: But I wasn’t under oath, which means that theoretically I could have been lying.
Smith: In other words, you mean to say that you didn’t do it...which means that you did it because you deny it! ...Your honour, I object to the prosecution’s line of questioning...
Judge: Objection sustained.  Sit down, Constable.  The Defence may now question its first witness.

Smith:  I would like to call Constable Smith to the stand...
Constable Smith, where were you on the night of the thirty-fifth?
Why, I was at home watching television.
You lie!
No, no, I don’t!
Prove it!
Well, I was watching television.
No you weren’t!  You two-bit cop, how dare you mock this court of law!
(he slaps himself)
How dare you slap me!
Don’t question my actions, buddy, I’m the lawyer here.
Yeah, well I’m the witness and I refuse to answer any more questions.
Very well.  Your honour, the prosecution rests its case.

Judge:  Would the defence like to cross-examine the witness?

Smith:  Yes, your honour...Constable Smith, how would you describe Charles Best? Well, he’s a good man.  He would never poison anybody.
That’s interesting, Constable.  Would you say that he’s innocent?
Why yes, I would.
Thank you sir, you may be seated.  Your honour, the defence has completed its cross-examination.

Judge: Very well.  Would the defence like to call its second witness?
Smith:  Yes, your honour.  We’d like to call Natalya Petropav to the stand.
Natalya:  Constable, how can you do this to me?  Question me?  Are you mad?  Don’t you see that I’m not involved with this?  Don’t you see that I’m just a sweet, innocent little lady whom you used to love?  Don’t you know that...I still harbour deep, insatiable desires for you?  Oh come on, sweetie...don’t question little old me...
(Hockeyman dashes across stage)
Hockeyman: Muahahahaha!
Smith:  My first question is...who IS that man?
Natalya:  I’m afraid I don’t quite know.
Smith:  Alright, I’ll accept that answer...for now.  My next question is in regards to your accusation of Charles Best.  You claim that Mr. Best put Mr. Snodbridge into a comma.  Webster’s Dictionary defines comma as “a form of punctuation to indicate pauses in sentences and denote parts of a list.”  IS THAT A CRIME?
Natalya: It is when it involves TOFU!
Smith:  But wait...Don’t YOU own a tofu stand?
Natalya:  Yes...but mine is...LISCENCED.
Smith:  GASP...No!
Natalya: Yes.
Smith: Really?
Natalya: Definitely.
Smith:  I’m...shocked.  This turns the entire investigation UPSIDE-DOWN!

Hockeyman: ...And now, for a commercial break.  (laughs)...Do you wanna shoot like the pro’s?  Do you wanna be a professional hockey player?  Well come on down to Bob’s Hockey Stick Emporium, where we sell you high-quality used gear at low warehouse prices.  Jeez, I hate this job.  Why did I have to end up in marketing?  This has got to be the worst advertising slot in all of television history...
Natalya:  Wait, that’s no low-quality advertiser!  That’s Sir Bedeviere, my long-lost father who disappeared at sea in a tragic pool toy accident after plummeting from atop a distant, snow-covered peak!
Smith:  But how is that possible?  He’s my long-lost father too!
Natalya:  But wait, that means that we’re brother and sister!
Smith:  GASP...But we were married for three years!
Natalya: Thank God we didn’t have any children!
Smith: ...Or did we?
Judge:  But wait, he’s my long-lost nephew-in-law!
Best:  GASP!  That makes you the grand-uncle of my third cousin twice removed, whose sister has accused me of poisoning Mr. Snodbridge with tofu and placing him into a...COMA!
Hockeyman:  Mr. Snodbridge?  That’s my step-cousin!
Judge:  Why, we’re all related!  It’s a family gathering!
Hockeyman:  Not only that, but I know who put Mr. Snodbridge into a...COMA.
Everyone: GASP! NO!
Hockeyman:  Yes.
Judge:  You don’t say!
Hockeyman:  No, I haven’t!
Judge:  Well come on lad, spit it out, we’re all family here...
Hockeyman:  Well, you see, it was...
(points to Best, pauses, swings around to point at Natalya)
...HER!
Everyone: GASP!
Natalya:  Me?
Hockeyman:  Yes.  You.
Natalya:  But how could you do this to me?  I’m your own daughter!
Hockeyman:  When you start poisoning other members of the family everything becomes fair game, my sweet, succulent saguaro seed!
Natalya:  Oh, Daddy, I’ve missed you so much.  I’ll write to you in prison...that is, if I’m not acquitted.
Judge:  I think that it’s high time that I decided the verdict of the case...the jury can’t act because they’ve all been arrested for not plugging their ears when the accused spoke.  Therefore, by the power invested in me by the under-funded government of Linseed County, I hereby charge the following person as guilty of poisoning Mr. Snodbridge with tofu and placing him in a...COMA:
(Falls into a coma.  Hockeyman approaches him and checks his pulse)
Hockeyman:  He’s fallen into a...COMA!
Everyone: GASP!
(Judge Lestat gets up and begins narration)

Judge:  Will the Judge wake up from his coma to announce the verdict?
(Constable Smith:  You just did, buddy...)
Will Mr. Snodbridge ever get better?  Did Charles Best attend Charles Best?  Did Natalya have any children by Constable Smith?  Will Timmy ever be rescued from that well that he’s been in for the past two seasons?  Will Angelina ever scrounge enough quarters to buy that soda from the vending machine?  Is this program even as remotely fascinating as watching paint dry?  Find out on the next episode of...As the Tofu Turns.

THE END